The Peanut Has Now Left the Building

My sis and three-year-old peanut niece came to visit me over the holiday weekend. When they arrived, my niece threw her arms around my neck and gave me such a tight squeeze that I literally started to lose oxygen.

"Okay, honey," I gasped, never thinking I'd actually have to peel her arms from my body. "What do you think you'd like to do today?"

She grinned and her eyes crinkled with excitement. "You wanna go to da pawk wid me??" she squealed.

My sister, already exhausted from the drive alone, said to me, "Yes indeed, we drove all the way here to go to a park," and then laughed and shook her head.

I convinced my niece to hit the park later and soon, we were off an running. Despite a few hours of crappy weather, the weekend went off without a hitch. There was the zoo, pizza and ice cream, the children's museum, and a general wandering around in the "big" city streets which my niece found fascinating. At one point, she took off running on a patio, got caught up on her darling new flip flops and completely wiped out. Considering that this kid can walk into a brick wall without crying, we knew we were in trouble when the wailing erupted. Sure enough, a bloody knee.

Two minutes later, when the knee had gotten mommy's kiss and the tears had subsided, she was off again. Unfortunately, the same exact thing happened again. My poor sweet girl.

Shortly after in the car, my always observant niece caught the reflection of my face in the rearview mirror.

"Why you got a sad face, Waitzel?" she asked from the back seat.

"Well, I guess I feel sad that you hurt yourself," I said.

"Don't be sad," she said. (Did I detect a sing-songy motherly tone?) "I not sad. I happy so you be happy, too, k?"

In the front seat, my sister and I looked at one another with the same exact look on our faces. How did we get so lucky to have this kid in our lives?

"Okay, honey," I said, smiling. "'I'm happy. You're right. There's so much for us to be happy about."

An hour later, I was waving goodbye to them, trying not to feel crushed about their departure. Instead, I focused on the peanut's sweet face in her car seat and her exclamation of, "LOOK! I WEAR MY PRINCESS JAMMIES HOME!"

After all, if she's happy, I'm happy. Before she came into my life, I never knew that aunties could feel such a bond with their nieces and nephews. I'm not talking about the stereotypical I adore this kid so much that I'm gonna spoil the crap out of her every time I see her kind of love. I'm talking about the I'm gonna move back to Wisconsin to see her grow up kind of love.

The past year has been really, really crazy but also incredibly enlightening. It wasn't easy for me to leave New York or Berlin but my decision is reinforced every day. I am indeed learning what is really important to me and that little blonde girl with the bloody knee might just top the list. Not only is she an absolute joy to be around but her simple words of wisdom are completely inspiring to me.

Can't wait for visit #2. Stay tuned for The Return of the Peanut.

Playing in the Dirt

"I came home soaking wet and covered in dirt," I giggled to my sister on the phone.

As country girls who often spent summer days picking peas and summer nights playing with the garden hose, my sissies and I know all about being wet and dirty. And I must admit that I was having flashbacks of all of this during yesterday's volunteer event. I was helping install garden beds for a local environmental group. As part of the wood chip team, with pitch fork in hand, I dug from a steaming heap of wood chips, throwing piles of the stuff in wheelbarrows, and then carting it over to be placed in garden beds alongside heaps of compost. Did I mention that it rained most of the time?

I only did this for an hour and a half but within that time, I managed to get drenched by rain and come away awfully dirty. I honestly don't remember the last time I got into the dirt like that. I was only slightly embarrassed later when I stepped out of the car in front of my apartment, hair slicked to my head, boots caked with mud, and streaks of dirt all over clothes.

I've done a whole of volunteer work in my life but never did I feel such a back-to-basics sort of appreciation for what I was doing. The whole project is geared toward getting kids engaged in horticulture and environmental work so I can't help but think if I felt this appreciation in a couple hours of work, it will become engrained in them, too. I was also ecstatic to see all the kids that parents brought along to help in our endeavor. One little girl picked up a shovel next to me and announced, "I love to dig!" and then she got right to work, literally digging in.

Can't wait to see her reaction once the plants start to bloom. And I can't help but admit that I'm pretty darn excited to see that, too. And maybe play with the worms. Ahh, summer....

Don't Freak!

I first shuddered to hear this topic on NPR's Fresh Air but once I got into the story, I had to agree with the writer on several points. What's grosser? Meat grown from a few cells in a lab or that which is grown under horrible factory farm conditions, only to eventually end up in our mouths?

And the Results...

So the week didn't go exactly as planned. Here's why.

I think if I had followed the cleanse more strictly with no cheats at all, it may have been a different story. My cheats, as I mentioned previously, were dried fruit and gum. Oh, and soy sauce. (The whole plain veggies and rice thing for dinner makes one want to poke her eyes out with a fork by night #3.) Although these don't sound like terrible additions, I think that the added salt and sweets gave my palate a taste of what it was really missing and made things worse. This was exactly what I was trying to avoid and I seemed to instead, really have sabotaged myself.

Diet wise, I can't say that the week was a roaring success and I'm not just talking about giving in to my sugar cravings the past two nights. I'm disappointed that two of the five days, I felt extreme fatigue during the afternoons, something I had completely avoided when I initially enacted this cleanse a few years ago. I'm a bit confused as to why this hit me just a few of the five days. Was it even food related? Did my cheats get the best of my body? Or had I just not gotten a good night's sleep before? Was I particularly stressed those days? It's hard to tell.

Although I did end up missing sugar, I found giving up bread quite easy. This is probably because I've already been slowly decreasing its existence in my diet throughout the years. And last night as I thought about what I wanted to eat once I was off the cleanse, I was surprised that my brain wasn't dreaming of chocolate croissants. No, more than anything I was craving orange juice, my Kashi cereal, and milk. (And of course, pizza.) I think this is pretty good for a girl who just six days ago managed to get a decent amount of chocolate in with every meal.

But more than anything, I missed the ability to taste different flavors. I love to cook and experiment, especially at the end of the day and having to trade that in every night for a standard meal of rice and veggies about made me crazy. On the flip side, having a strict diet obviously helps you stay on course. During times of stress, it's easy to reach for a bag of Skittles but when you remind yourself that you've had your cup of protein, your cup of rice, and your cup of veggies for lunch and that there is absolutely no need for afternoon snacking, it can get you back on track. You might instead walk to your co-worker's office and chat about what is actually stressing you out.

I also found it mighty handy to actually remove all the sugary snacks from the house. I know that sounds painfully obvious but it wasn't to me. Yet sometimes just opening my pantry and seeing those cookies sends a message to my brain that seconds ago, was not even there. I currently have a bag of goodies stashed in my car trunk. Amazingly, aside from last night, I didn't think about those snacks at all this week. Truly out of sight and out of mind.

However, I'm not sure that it's good to hit the point of really feeling like you are denying yourself. Perhaps the other night if I had given in and eaten a cup of sorbet, I would've actually ingested less calories than all of that stupid dried fruit I munched on. Plus, maybe I would have actually felt satiated. I'm not sure.

Today, with everything fair game, I ended up not having the healthiest of days. (Shocking). What is surprising, however, is that first and foremost, I was craving savory things. I had farm fresh eggs for breakfast and for lunch, I wanted nothing more than fake meat tacos. (??) However, my taste buds could barely handle the salt of them. As for the sweets, I had my remaining Trader Joe's chocolate sorbet (a half cup at only 120 calories, hooray!) and later, a Snickers "egg" from my easter basket. Oh, and a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter. Man, have I missed my peanut butter. Not quite the same as my organic apples but I do feel satisfied.

And now I just got back from the co-op with next week's load of veggies and fruit. I know we all lament about the expense of eating healthy foods but my grocery bill for the past week was ridiculously low. Yes, I bought organic fruit and veggies. However, when the rest of your meals are based on rice, beans, and oatmeal, you can get by on $20 for the week. Not bad. It's amazing how much you can cut from your grocery bill by simply cutting out meat.

So I have to admit that chronicling my experiences this week really did spur me to make the right choices (for the most part). Oh, the power of shame! But seriously, there's a reason all those health gurus tell you to enlist a partner. We might not always be able to tell ourselves that we are worth it but we can certainly encourage one another and maybe somewhere along the way, we'll start to believe it for ourselves.

I can tell you this. Even though I didn't do as well as I had hoped to this week, I have given myself credit for what I did accomplish. And as I was jamming out to my tunes on the treadmill this afternoon, I caught myself smiling. This week, I took steps to make myself both physically and spiritually healthier and today, I could actually feel the results in every ounce of my being. Everything was going to be okay. I was good. And despite it being a cold, rainy day, the whole world seemed pretty okay to me, too. And you know what? Tomorrow looks even better.

I Want a Snickers Blizzard!!

Okay, now I'm starting to get to Crazyland.

Again, the whole day was fine (although after five days straight of oatmeal with blueberries, I don't think I'll ever eat it again) until the post-dinner hour. First off, after a long week, I really enjoy cooking a nice meal for myself once Friday night rolls around. So of course, I was irritated by my boring-as-hell veggie/rice combo again.

Then, there was the package in the mail. I received a care package from my sweet auntie that included some nice house warming type goodies along with the requisite candy stash. (If you came from this family, you'd understand.) I immediately put it away, thinking, tomorrow.

After dinner, I immediately shoved gum in my mouth. I had made some tea but that was annoying me, too. I considered completely blowing the five day goal I had set for myself and throwing myself into the chocolate sorbet in the freezer. I didn't but I did have another handful of granola. I opened the fridge to see if there was any fruit left but there wasn't. I saw the carton of orange juice and almost cried. I had never seen anything so appealing in my life. But I passed.

Tomorrow.

Damn Pizza

Today I woke up with every intention of having a better day. For the most part, I did. I was very busy and didn't have time to think about my cravings all that much. But when I finally collapsed on the couch tonight with my my pile of mail, I found a stack of ads and coupons for every single pizza joint within a ten mile radius. I should also mention that both yesterday and today, I again found myself in off-site work settings where the employees at each place happened to be having pizza parties. Suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to ditch my rice and beans for that greasy cheesy, tomatoey bread. But I didn't. I was pretty darn good actually.

But for some reason, after dinner tonight, my sweet tooth really started to whimper. The boredom I was feeling about the dried fruit was starting to make me insane and wreak havoc on my digestive system. I found that it wasn't so hard for me to get past it during the day. I could finish my lunch with no huge desire to round out the meal with a piece of chocolate. By mid afternoon when the sugar levels were falling, I'd crave an apple immensely but nothing more. And quite frankly, I'm amazed by how satisfying that crisp apple has been.

Yet for some reason, the end of today was different. I broke and tossed a handful of granola in my mouth. I had made the granola myself the week before so I knew there wasn't a ton of sugar in it but still, I cheated and gave myself he sugar I was trying so very hard to avoid. I'm beginning to wonder if the sugar in the dried fruit is enough to get me going. Hmmm....

One more day. I've already decided to order pizza Saturday.

Wednesday

So this proved to be perhaps the worst week to do this "cleanse". Yet again, I ended up working away from home which made lunch difficult. I didn't know exactly where I was going to be during the lunch hour so once again, I left the tupperware of rice and beans at home. Then, a colleague who so graciously wanted to thank me for my help asked if she could take me out for lunch.

"Sure!" (I never, ever refuse lunch). "Where?"

"Do you like curry?" she asked.

How could I refuse? Again, curry isn't exactly following the plain rice/beans/veggie formula I'm supposed to have for lunch, nor is it on my cheat list. However, I rationalized that it could be much worse. So off we went.

My colleague ended up ordering for us and I was only half listening when she asked if I wanted Thai sweet tea. I honestly just heard "tea" so I agreed.

Holy sweetness. How have I missed this my life and when can I have more? Even she remarked how I was sucking that glass of sweet tea down.

Needless to say, the whole lunch was delicious but I knew that I was screwing up my day. To make up for it, I grabbed my grubby clothes after work and headed straight to the gym. An hour later, on some sort of endorphin induced high, I rejoiced in the realization that I wasn't really craving any sweets at all. Yah! Having just had a good work out, however, I was very much craving salt. Normally, I go straight for the Wheat-Thins. (I know, I know but it's my one super processed addiction.) Instead of the crackers, I just added a bit more soy sauce to my veggies and rice. Almost immediately following my dinner, I regretted my choice. I wanted nothing more than to balance the taste of salt with a dose of something sweet. Oh, oh.

I went to my usual stash of apricots and almonds. I'm not sure if it was due to my work out or due to my boredom with this snack but I ended up munching on way more of those buggers before bed than I had intended. Oops.

Can tomorrow be a do-over please? (Sigh.)

Day #2, No Gum!

But a beer instead.

Okay, I'm not totally proud of that but let me tell you, this is way more about cutting out sugary foods than anything else. One measly PBR doesn't really bother me.

So the day went pretty well. This, despite being in an office environment for part of the day where a loaf of homemade cinnamon raisin bread and chocolate cake taunted me in the break room down the hall. I had a commitment over the lunch hour which meant eating out, something I hated to do. However, I was able to find a salad with tuna to at least meet the veggie and protein requirement. Despite a non gluten lunch, I still got pretty tired in the afternoon. I'm not sure what this was about.

Snacks were again, a few dried apricots, almonds and an apple. For dinner, the standard one cup of rice, two cups of veggies. Then there was that late evening beer. (Spring has finally sprung in Wisconsin, people. It was a perfect night for a beer with friends!)

Amazingly, I don't feel the urge to tear open into that box of Thin Mints in the cupboard. Maybe that will hit me tomorrow? I'm not sure but I'm happy with this one day at a time thing. Here's hoping to another successful day!

Operation Sugarless, Day #1

So not a total failure. Actually, I didn't go beyond my cheats so I guess I'll consider it a quasi-successful day. Here's how the day went:

Woke up with terrific shoulder pain due to sleeping on the couch. (Not sure what I am more obsessed with at the moment, this diet or the cat pee issue. Furthermore, I hate that the I just used the words "diet" and "cat pee" in the same sentence. Ick.)

7am: Oatmeal with blueberries along with coffee for breakfast. (Coffee is supposed to be a no-no but quite frankly, if there is one thing in this world I will proclaim a steadfast allegiance to, it's my morning dark roast. Just try to pry it out of my hands.)

10:00am: Pear with a few almonds.

11:30am: I decide that the weather's crap, my diet's painfully boring already, and that I therefore, deserve to go out for lunch. I pick a neighborhood cafe I've been meaning to try. I check out the menu online first and decide that their veggie chili will be perfect.

12:30pm: Arrive at cute, local lunch joint and am greeted by a mercilessly packed pastry case as soon as I walk in. When the waitress asks me what I'd like to try, I consider bashing my head against the glass case. Instead, I sit down, eat my chili and later walk out without crying. I am so proud. But then I realize two hours later, the chili wasn't enough.

1:30pm: Gum. (Sigh.)

3:00pm. See, the chili wasn't beany enough. Delicious but more veg than bean and a person needs protein to get through the day. So I have some carrots and hummus. Oh, and my ginger tea.

5:00pm: More gum. With sugar or sugarless, afternoons are rough.

6:30pm: Rice and veggies. Ginger tea afterward.

9:00pm: Handful of dried apricots and a couple of almonds.

So not so bad really. I really wish I could've done without the gum but maybe I can make that tomorrow's goal. Speaking of, tomorrow will be a bit rough because I have a commitment over the lunch hour. What's a girl to do? Not sure yet. Will report back.

Oh, and another part of this "cleanse" involves getting adequate sleep so off...I...go. Zzzz...

Leaving Sugarland

Okay, I have to say it so I actually do it. Sometimes we have to make grand announcements about our goals just so we feel somewhat accountable, right? I really doubt that anyone's going to give a damn whether I ingest sugar this week but come on, I need to know that you will shame me if I fail, okay??

So every once in a while, I do a baby cleanse. I refer to it as "baby" because it's pretty darn mild compared to those juice or raw diet only deals. I mean, it's basically fruits, vegetables, rice, and beans. A whole lot of people sustain on only this all the time. So why is it SO HARD for me?

Well, because, as I mentioned in my recent cookie post, I've got a serious sugar issue. I may not sit down with a bag of sweet tarts (in fact, I hate that kind of sugar) but it is such a challenge for me to end a meal without popping something sweet (and preferably rich) into my mouth. In the past, I thought that one little Hershey Kiss was all I needed. However, I'm now realizing that this tiny bit of sweetness just ramps my palate up and then I spend the rest of the day, trying to stave off the continual sweet tooth cravings. That, my friend, can mess with one's concentration, especially when one works a just few feet from the pantry door. And if you think I'm exaggerating, just know that as a kid, I would sneak into the kitchen, snatch the bottle of Hershey's syrup from the fridge, and squirt that chocolatey goodness straight into my mouth.

You get me now? Something has got to give.

My goal is small to many but gigantic to me. No sweets for five days. Why five days? Because the work week is one thing, the weekend is another for God's sake.

The other reason I am getting off the sweets is to experiment with my fatigue issues once again. I'm quite certain that gluten does me bad but I'm now wondering how much sugar plays into the mix as well. Best example: the post-brunch/maple syrup pancake coma. Yikes!

Therefore, for the next five days, my diet will consist of oatmeal with berries for breakfast, beans, rice, and veggies for lunch, and rice and veggies only for dinner. In between, I'll have snacks of fruit, nuts, veggies, and hummus. After lunch and dinner, I digest with ginger tea. For a girl who ate popcorn, onion rings, and half a cheese board for dinner the other night, you can see the challenge.

Before any type of cleanse, I seem to enjoy completely putting my body through the wringer the day before. A last hurrah of sorts because, you know, I'm never going to eat again. And let me remind you that I started my day at the crack of dawn with the cat-pee-on-the-new-mattress situation so I pretty much decided with the rising sun that this was going to be a day of as much comfort food as necessary.

I started off with a healthy bowl of oatmeal and berries but by the time I hit the co-op mid-morning and walked by the bakery case, I quickly veered off track. A handsome chocolate croissant winked at me, I swear. I took that little guy home, cut him in half and sat down with him and a cup of my coffee. Two seconds later, I went back for the second half. Later, I did have a sensible lunch but now I'm gearing up for dinner which will consist of a big fat bowl of some sort of pasta (after this beer). I might top things off with that leftover chocolate ice cream sprinkled with some nuts and Hershey's syrup. (Yep, still an addict.) But we'll see.

So I will be posting my progress this week. Of course, the fatigue issue might be hard to measure considering I will be sleeping on the couch while my mattress expels the pee odor. Oh, and I almost forgot, so I don't look like a total failure from the get-go, I'm allowing myself some cheats! I know, I know, already? But seriously, I've got to have a teeny weeny out if I start going crazy from withdrawal or something. I've already gotten rid of all the candy/cookie type stuff in the house, which are now in the trunk of my car (!) but I am allowing myself dried fruit and if totally necessary, gum. But I have to admit, the gum addiction is another one I'm trying to break. Between my night time jaw clenching and my nerve calming gum chewing, I've wreaked absolute havoc on my teeth and gums. Ask my dentist.

So wish me luck, kids. I remember hearing about those people who gave up sweets for lent and I was absolutely green with envy. I mean, how long is lent? A lifetime??

Okay, I'm done with the drama. Time to make the last supper. Report #1 coming up tomorrow night.

All Sorts of Mommies!

Even though I've changed a ton of diapers, wiped many a snotty nose, and refereed more sibling arguments over who's got the legos now than I care to remember, I will not pretend to know what it's like to have children of my own. And now let me take the time to give a shout out to the mothers out there: Happy, Happy Mother's Day to you! May a day of complete adoration be coming your way.

But this morning, at approximately 6:17, I got thinking about other kinds of mommies. Like, you know, pet mommies. We may not be cleaning up snotty noses (although some of us have), but I can guarantee we've cleaned up our share of pee and poop and given lots of cuddles along the way.

I'm not sure if I made a grand announcement of it but a few months ago, Baxter the Cat and I were reunited. Hooray! Although under somewhat stressful conditions, it all worked out and I was thrilled to get my baby back. Bax and I have been through a lot together and I definitely continue to feel badly for everything I've put him the old guy through: three different foster homes while I traveled, several unfriendly cat (and some dog) roommates, and a long drive out to NYC. Oh, and there was also that traumatic plane ride. Like a lot of mommies out there, I have my guilt issues.

But this morning, Baxter certainly gave it back to me. I woke up feeling a bit, um, moist. Considering that I have some pretty whacked out dreams that literally wake me up in a cold sweat, I assumed this was what had happened. But then I thought, wow, my back is really sweaty. That's odd. And then I noticed that my blankets were wet, too. And within seconds, I caught a whiff.

Pee. And let me be clear here, cat pee.

Never have I jumped out of bed at 6:17 in the morning like this. I tore off the covers and started patting my bed (which, of course, is the fun about pee issues. You get to feel it all out). Cursing under my breath, I couldn't believe my fantastic luck. After years of sleeping on beds handed down from family members, I finally purchased the first bed of my entire life just two months ago. Brand, spanking new.

To add insult to injury, just a few nights ago, I had whipped the mattress cover off, deeming it too lumpy and uncomfortable. The man's voice from the furniture voice went through my head: Can I suggest a mattress cover? These are especially great for any pet accidents. I held my head high and said, "My cat never, ever has those kind of accidents. No thank you."

And until this morning, he hadn't. Bax isn't even a typical pee-outside-the-box-cuz-I'm-mad-at-you cat. That's what makes Baxter so cool. He's atypical.

But as I poured Nature's Miracle (which by the way, is the most amazing stain remover ever and also goes under the name Petastic) over a third of my brand new bed, madder at myself than at him, I suddenly felt very scared.

Oh my God, is he sick? I wondered. Isn't this one of those typical first signs of a pet being terminally ill? All week, I had noticed that he was acting a bit strange. Clingy, actually, and I started having flashbacks to my nanny days when the little ones I cared for went through those very trying stages of wanting to physically attach to you at all times. Even though I do a lot of work from home, Bax has been my shadow. I can't pet him enough. I can't rub that belly enough. I can't offer my lap enough. All of this made me wonder, am I losing my baby?

Two hours later with the washer whirring, I can't say that the idea isn't out of my mind. However, after getting out of the shower, I noticed the litter box under the bathroom sink. Due to Baxter's ability to scatter cat litter like no one's business, I recently changed brands. Well, and also because I'm not a fan of the clay litter. When we lived in Brooklyn, I had made the switch to the pine pellet litter and it worked just fine. Plus I felt a lot better, knowing that I was using something that so much better for the environment.

So just last night, the old litter went out and the new stuff went in. Since Bax is a lot like his mama, running to the bathroom every five minutes, I should have noticed last night that he hadn't used it at all. And he still hasn't even after I locked him in there for ten minutes when I had my early dawn cat pee clean-up related tantrum. Apparently he's no longer used the pine and I need to adjust.

Now as I sip my coffee and wait for the pet supply store to open, Bax is sleeping across from me like a little angel on his favorite rocking chair. In a few minutes, I'll have to go down to change the laundry. I can't help but think about the many times I've changed crib sheets late at night or plunked kids directly in the bath tub due to those messes made. As un-fun as that all was, part of me smiles to think about it. Not only is there something so rewarding about taking care of others, I also learned that my abilities sometimes know no bounds. I'd always known that I was good with children but it wasn't until recent years that I realized the extent of my patience and joy when interacting with little ones. I guess this applies to my fuzzy little friends, too.

So many of us spend an exorbitant amount of time taking care of others. Mothers tend to be on some astronomical level where this is concerned. This is due to love, to instinct, and sometimes, sheer social expectations. But I hope that today, all of the mommies out there can do a little something special to take care of themselves. And I really, really hope none of you have to start your day cleaning up bodily fluids of any kind. Here's hoping!

Happy Mother's Day!

Damn, I Make Some Good Cookies

Yes, indeed I do.

Some of you darlings already know this, having been on the receiving end of my baking frenzy ways. (You may now begin to count your lucky stars). You've gotten the gamut, haven't you? Peanut butter, molasses, short bread, double chocolate chunk, and oatmeal raisin, just to name a few. Some of you have even gotten a wee bit demanding through the years. I recently got crap from a friend who after receiving a lovely gift from me said, "I really just wanted you to make me those ginger cookies."

So yes, I will toot my own horn here. I don't give myself a lot of credit for much although in addition to my cookie baking skills, I am an awesome parallel parker. (That's what a high school career with an '81 Chevette without power steering will do you.) But before I get even more off track, my point in writing this post is not to go on about what an awesome cookie maker I am. Rather, I'd just like to share a little bit of good news on the Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookie front.

First off, let me just say that the recipe on that yellow bag has been engrained into my brain since my round tummy 4th grader days. My mom had an alarming amount in faith that her daughters wouldn't burn the house down so oftentimes when she wasn't around, I would whip up a batch of my favorite cookies if I so desired. Years later, when I lived in Madrid, I introduced my host family to this little baked dollop of heaven, only to discover that I had truly unleashed something. Spain has got a whole lot of awesome food to offer but cookies are not this nation's strong point. So while I let my host mother stick to her amazing croqueta making ways, I ended up baking an incredible number of cookies on a regular basis for a family that much to my chagrin, remained amazingly fit.

However, it wasn't until a few years ago, as I dumped all that sugar over those two sticks of butter that it occurred to me how crazy unhealthy these little blobs of chocolately goodness really are. So I began to experiment.

First, I tried to decrease the amount of butter by combining it with a bit of that fake butter/ yogurt spread stuff. WRONG! Yes, any baker with half a brain would know not to do this. I mean, the cookies were okay but they came out cake-like. Unable to go back to the regular recipe, however, I stopped making them altogether. For years, people. It was a dark chapter in Rachael's cookie making history.

Then recently, while visiting my parents, I found a jar of chocolate chunk cookies (yes, my mom prefers the chunks, bless her heart) that she and my niece made together. As I bit into one, I swore I heard angels singing. How had I forgotten that my mom is the ultimate master of the chocolate chip cookie? I voiced this thought to her at which point, she let me in on her secret: "Sometimes along with the butter, I use a little lard."

Some things, you just do not want to know.

So I'm not sure what came over me the other day while I was grocery shopping but I inexplicably grabbed a bag of chocolate chips and threw them in the cart. A few days later, I decided in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon that it was the most opportune time to whip up a batch of my ultimate favorite food.

Out came the bag of chips. Then out came the butter. (I wasn't even going to mess around with that ingredient this time around.) Then I checked my cupboards for sugar. I barely ever use refined white sugar anymore. However, the recipe calls for 3/4 cup of the stuff along with 3/4 cup of brown sugar. One and a half cups of sugar for 40 dinky cookies?? I started to compute the amount of sugar I've probably consumed throughout the years in all sorts of foods. No wonder I can't finish any meal without wanting to shove a chunk of chocolate into my mouth or at the very least, a stick of gum. I've practically been shooting sugar into my veins for years.

While rummaging thorugh the pantry, I found white sugar, raw sugar, and brown sugar. (That's right, I may not have milk or bread in the house but I have three kinds of sugar sitting around.) I decided to wing it: 1/4 cup white sugar, 1/4 cup raw sugar, and 1/2 cup brown sugar.

In total, I decreased the sugar by a half cup, using 2/3 of what the recipe calls for. I also added less than a cup of chocolate chips. (The recipe calls for two!) When I tested the batter, I thought, not bad. However, the smell that wafted from my kitchen ten minutes later helped me realize that I had definitely done something right. It was such a delicious aroma that when I whipped open the oven door a few minutes later, my self-control left back in the other room, I blew on one of those babies for half a second before throwing it into my mouth.

Su-PERB. Just like the cookies of my pre-high school/who-gives-a-crap-about-my-figure days.

Now I'm not going to say I can trump my mom's cookies. In my book, she is the number one cookie maker and I am her lowly apprentice. However, considering that I didn't use lard and that I barely used any refined sugar at all makes me feel pretty good. Granted, I'm not suggesting that you trade in your broccoli for these butter bits but isn't it great to see the small steps we can take to healthier living by just experimenting a bit?

And P.S. It's not just me who thought the cookies were divine. I packaged some up and mailed them to a friend. I think the word she used to describe them was "amazing." Kind of like my parallel parking skills.