It's Been Fun

But all good things must come to an end, right?  

So before I go into another long, wordy post, I will keep this (relatively) short and sweet. I think the Night Way needs to take a rest.  

There's a whole lot going on in this big, sometimes bad, sometimes beautiful world which has spurred me to share all sorts of thoughts throughout the past few years. I've enjoyed the platform and I've very much appreciated the conversations. Yet as fun as it is to write about these moments, it can also take away from my time of fully experiencing them.  It's good to be thoughtful and introspective but it's also important to get out of our heads sometimes. To just feel. To be.  Lord knows the internet alone can sure make that difficult.  Sometimes I get so caught up in reading everything to "know what's going on in the world" that I'm distracted from what's really going on in my world.

So it's time for me to unplug. Maybe not for forever. Maybe for just enough time to smell those roses that are starting to pop up. Or to be fully present to enjoy those people who surround me. Or to just sit back and breathe deeply.  Whatever it may be, I am ready.

P.S. Happy, happy Earth Day!

Funny How It Goes

Yesterday, I found myself in the midst of a mid-afternoon cleaning frenzy. I didn't mean to. I'm on spring break and pretty much all I want to do is read books, buy cute shoes and bake cookies. But it always happens the same way. I pass by a shelf or a table that needs dusting and suddenly, I'm on my hands and knees, fetching dust bunnies from radiators. So much for finishing that novel.

Anyway.

This time I noticed a thick coat of dust and grime on top of my refrigerator and as I took a rag to it, I accidentally knocked over a candle holder from the top which of course, promptly rolled backwards and crashed behind. Instantly annoyed at myself for being so klutzy and knowing I was now on a path to tidying madness, I knew I needed to drop everything to pull the damn thing from out of its little alcove and clean up that pile of broken glass. Although not a heavy appliance, the kitchen space I have to work with is entirely ridiculous. Less than two feet across from the fridge is my pantry. Therefore, pulling the fridge out was a little wiggle and pull on one side, then a jog through the sunroom to the other side to do the same. Back and forth, back and forth only to find a pile of under-the-fridge grossness that was very unfortunately NOT just a pile of broken glass. However, I found a few slips of paper, clippings and such, that had escaped their fridgie magnets and had become hidden amongst Baxter's migrating kitty fuzz.

One of these clippings was this piece written by Rebecca Traister. I had cut it out from a magazine some time ago and stuck it to the side of my fridge. It had resonated so completely with me. Writing. Vino. Cats. Living alone. Mechanical difficulties. Wanting so badly to have someone else just deal with it once in a while but knowing full well that a broken bookcase, a clogged drain, or a bag of garbage is not going to magically go away by itself.

But then there's that moment when my brain makes the switch and I feel spurred to take on the challenge at hand. I will take a deep breath, do my research, and tackle the task head on. And despite the sometimes agonizing process, I usually feel pretty fantastic by the end of it, even if the shelf does go on the wall backwards. (Yes, I did this. And then re-did it.) It reminds me that I don't need to instantly react with "I can't do this. Send in the troops!" And in Rebecca's case with the bookcase, "There is joy in competence and independence; giddy satisfaction in working, having wine, and fixing things without permission, help or encouragement from partners or parents." Yes, ma'am.

Of course, moving my little refrigerator and cleaning up the gunk behind it wasn't a big deal and didn't result in any sort of exhilaration but it reminded me how good it can feel to function as an independent being who doesn't need to react with "I can't possibly do this" (or for me, the much more common "I really don't want to do this.") I'm sure Rebecca didn't exactly love the fact that she was dealing with her bookcase in the middle of the night just like I wasn't thrilled to have to drop everything to take on the challenges of my itty bitty kitchen space. But calling in the troops feels much more meaningful when the assistance is truly necessary. You know, like when there are tears involved. Or an aching heart. Non-functional light fixtures or pretty much anything that involves getting the step ladder out? Yeah, I hate that stuff but I can deal with it and will feel pretty good at the end of it all. But a wounded heart? That's when you just might get the call to be my back-up. I can repay you with my drain unclogging skills. Deal?

Hallelujah!!

Okay, more and more studies are rolling in, indicating some positive health outcomes for those who drink black coffee regularly, enjoy a bit of red wine, and (my personal favorite), ingest dark chocolate. But this...well, this just makes me break into a huge grin. In addition to the antioxidants, chocolate lovers may actually be fending off fat? Oh, how I love when a vice does me right!

Ammonium-Hydroxide + Beef = Pink Slime

I never imagined seeing the words "pink slime" mentioned this many times in a news article. Isn't that a phrase for sci-fi books only?

Turn. It. Up.

I'm not usually a Braggy McBragster type but I've been known to brag my face off when it comes to a good playlist. I can't help it. Some of you have unknowingly encouraged me. Anyway, considering that we are in the midst of some beautiful spring weather here in 'sconsin, this can only mean one thing for me: The Rolling Stones, Steve Earle, Lucinda Williams among many, many others to be played really, really loudly in the car, at home, wherever. Yes, indeed, it's time to get the Sunny Day/Road Tripping/Cleaning the House with the Windows Open/Baking a Vegan Pie (yeah, maybe not so much that last one but that's what I happen to be doing at the moment) playlist going. I thought I would share the abbreviated version:

Street Fighting Man - The Rolling Stones

Feel Alright - Steve Earle

Blue Sky - The Allman Brothers Band (I know, I can't believe I've got them listed either but I do like this one.)

Fortunate Son - Creedence Clearwater Revival

My Sharona - The Knack

Metal Firecracker - Lucinda Williams

Little Plastic Castle - Ani DiFranco

The Littlest Birds - The Be Good Tanyas

I know What I Know - Paul Simon

Wouldn't It Be Nice - The Beach Boys

Paperback Writer - The Beatles

Hesitating Beauty - Billy Bragg & Wilco

Mr. Music - Dave Moore

History of Lovers - Iron & Wine

Twice as Hard - The Black Crowes

Stickshifts and Safety Belts - Cake

Little White Dove - Jess Klein

Jackson - Johnny Cash/June Carter Cash

A Little Bit Lonesome - Kasey Chambers

The Ballad of John and Yoko - The Beatles

Gimme Shelter - The Rolling Stones

Sick of Myself - Matthew Sweet

Nobody's Baby - Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings

Gotta Be Better - Shelby Lynn

Here Comes My Baby - Cat Stevens

Beautiful Day - Chris Isaak

Now go dance your heinies off. Or eat pie with me. I promise you it will be good.

Oops

I typically don't like to spew my anger about something without looking at possible solutions to the problem. However, that's exactly what I did in last week's elephant post. Sorry. I couldn't help it. My blood boils anytime I read about violence towards a defenseless creature, especially when people try to rationalize these behaviors based on "needs," the greatest "need" which seems to be one's compulsion to consume. For example, our urban sprawl constantly upsets ecosystems; yet we want to punish those animals that naturally react to our invasion. We buy products without thinking where they come from and who or what may be getting hurt in the process. No longer a necessity for most, some of us now deem hunting only a sport, a "sport" that (at least in Wisconsin) can involve a lot of drinking and a ghastly level of bloodthirsty aggression toward animals.

In an age when anyone can do a two minute internet search and instantaneously learn about the torture some animals must endure to fill our bellies or adorn our homes and bodies, it blows my mind that the demand for things like shark fin soup and ivory only increases. But again, what's the point of getting all rant-y and rave-y if I'm not going to provide some solutions?

Well, you may be shocked to learn that I don't actually have the answers to it all. (I know, I know.) However, I don't think we can underestimate the power of spreading awareness. I mean, who has actually watched Food Inc. and continued buying meat in the same way at the local supermarket? Who has continued feeding their children chicken nuggets after watching this link about Jamie Oliver's food education "failure"? And check out some of WildAid's public service announcements. Although I don't know much about this organization, I respect their simple, yet strong message: "When the buying stops, the killing can, too." And did they really get Peter Benchley to speak in defense of sharks? Sweet!

I am also impressed that according to their website, WildAid is able to funnel 100% (!) of their donations to the field. And when it's 100%, a few of us giving five dollars here and there suddenly seems like it could actually make an impact. That five dollars I might spend on a coffee and a scone (that I don't need anyway; see previous "Lessons Learned" post) could go toward protecting all sorts of amazing creatures.

Whole different kind of "lesson learned".

Ivory Looks Best Worn on its Owners

That these majestic creatures are being killed for their "artifacts" makes me absolutely sick and question the hearts of some human beings. To know that the demand is only growing is absolutely heart wrenching. According to WildAid, the number of elephants killed is now at 35,000 a year. These are animals that are known to go into great mourning when a member of their family dies. This happens for no good reason at least 35,000 times a year. And let's not also forget about the rhinos (which are endangered!) that are being poached for the same exact reason. All of this so somebody can decorate his house with collectibles or so she can adorn her body with jewelry. Disgusting.

150 Pounds of Sugar a Year??

Although it is obviously extreme, I cannot say that I totally disagree with this proposal, especially when it combines healthy eating with fighting big business. I'm pretty okay with calling any company on the carpet that produces a beverage that makes me feel like my teeth are dissolving.

Lesson Learned

So even though my cleanse ended weeks ago, I'm still getting questions about it from a lot of curious folks.

"How did you feel?"

"Have you started drinking coffee again?"

"What was it like to re-introduce gluten?"

"Did the lack of caffeine make you homicidal?"

"No chocolate? YOU?!?"

"And how do you feel today?"

As happy as I was to re-enter a more "normal" eating regimen, it has not been as glorious as I thought it would be. Can I be honest here? I kinda sorta want to go back to my cleansing days. (Gasp!)

I haven't had much coffee (although as I punch these keys, I'm practically gulping the stuff; blame it on Sunday) and have switched to caffeinated tea, mostly because there are very few herbal teas I honestly like. And although I do believe that the caffeine in tea does me better than that of coffee, the dirty chai I had yesterday afternoon was the most delicious answer to my afternoon slump. So again, no huge conclusions here.

Sugar. Now that's been a little tough. (See above dirty chai latte reference.) I've got the cravings all over again. I was given a nice stockpile of chocolate for Valentine's Day and in order for me not to shove all three packages directly into my mouth, they are now in the trunk of my car. Yes, you heard me. Not only are those lovely little packages now somewhat physically inaccessible, I'll damn near break my teeth if I try gnawing on them in the dead of winter. It shall now be brought out only for guests. Or perhaps during some PMS rage. Although I've managed not to go totally crazy on the goodie front, I'm back to stockpiling my pantry with dried fruit to satiate myself. The blender, too, continues to get a work-out with my nighttime berry smoothie obsession.

Bread. I could really do without it. Bottom line, it's hard for me to digest (hello, tummy bump!) and as I've always known, it makes me tired. I'm back to having it very minimally.

And speaking of consuming things minimally, I'm back to having very little alcohol. I mean, really, who needs it? Sure, it's fun to go out for cocktails or to have a glass of wine here and there but it's expensive, dehydrating, and a complete waste of calories. If I'm going to indulge in some non-nutritional calories, hand me the flourless chocolate cake.

Interestingly, two weeks post-cleanse, I found myself sick. Now, this could have been due to several factors, including those little peanuts I'm around daily with the perpetually boogery noses. However, I can't ignore the fact that once I was off the cleanse, I most certainly made up for those three weeks of a pretty tame social life (and then some). I went out of town, I met friends out after class instead of heading straight home to bed, I pushed it at the gym, I didn't properly hydrate myself, I decided to drink caffeinated tea rather than take an afternoon nap, and then suddenly, my body rebelled. Shocking.

It was just a common cold but it was a pretty fantastic reminder that running myself ragged and not eating properly does not work so well. And then everything snowballed.

My sinuses decided to teach me a lesson. I couldn't breathe at night and then I wasn't sleeping enough so I'd be in a fog at work and then I'd come home and try to nap but some days, Chickie Babe upstairs would decide to wear what could only have been three-inch stilettos and make laps around her apartment on the hardwood floors and then just when I'd finally fall asleep, the next thing I'd know, it would be 5 o'clock and then I'd feel badly that I'd "wasted" the afternoon and then I'd feel stressed out that I hadn't accomplished A, B, and C and because I'd already wasted so much time and because I didn't have any energy anyway, I wouldn't cook a proper dinner and instead gnaw on crackers or bread and cheese (even though I know I don't need any bread in my diet!) and then the weekend would come and I'd finally get to go to see the orchestra but that one glass of wine at dinner coupled with my lack of an afternoon nap would make me practically fall asleep during the performance which would make me really mad because I love Beethoven and want to be fully present to absorb the music and (DEEP BREATH) so on and so on and so on...

Blech.

So back to taking better care of myself. I don't know if I can commit to a lifestyle without sugar, bread or coffee but I'm definitely going to re-incorporate some of these recipes into my daily life. And enough with me acting as though I have to see everyone and do everything ever in a two-week period. Sheesh. Besides, it's practically spring. Perhaps one can really slow down and smell some roses. Healthy sinuses do allow for that.

Both of These Photos Creep Me Out

Okay, this is the second time I've read about synthetic meat and I'm not sure how I feel about it. My first reaction is, this is craziness, don't be engineering our food anymore than you have been! Then I think, hmmm...more humane and sustainable? I kinda like that.

Bottom line, eat more beans and let the cows (real and fake) go. Easy peasy! Well, until you find yourself at Kroll's and suddenly incapable of NOT eating one of their butter burgers. I get it, folks. Really. We all have our slips. One step in front of the other...

21 Days Later...

FINI!

My three week cleanse is officially over! Of course, the authors of this cleanse encourage you to proceed to an optional fourth week but considering that last night, I almost tap danced around the house at midnight, I don't think it's in me to continue an entirely gluten/dairy/caffeine & alcohol free lifestyle. At the same time, I have learned a few things throughout the past few weeks that have proven to be very valuable. Ready to hear about them? Come on. Like you had a choice.

Most importantly, contrary to my prediction, I did not actually die without refined sugar in my diet. This was the number one issue for me and I am extremely proud of myself for going a whole 21 days without cookies, chocolate, granola or all those other things I had been ingesting on a regular basis. Let me also add that I attended a dinner where apple pie a la mode was served. Did you hear that? Apple pie a la mode. But I passed (i.e. quickly ran out the door). Whatever. Yah for me.

Saturday night, I even pushed the envelope. I was babysitting and one of the kids and I made chocolate chip cookies. Okay, chocolate cookies are pretty much my favorite thing in life and I did not even lick a spoon. I'm telling you, it's been auto-pilot mode all the way. I cannot have that, said my brain, and that was that. Of course, this would have been a very different story had I not been able to eat fruit throughout these past weeks. I probably ate five to six servings of fruit a day to compensate for cravings which is a kind of a lot but I figured it was better to OD on berries and bananas than stick my head in the cookie batter.

So blasting sugar = victory #1.

I also am still alive sans caffeine. This was hard. So hard I almost cried a few times. I lovvvve my coffee in the morning. I love the smell, the warmth of it emptying into my belly, and of course, the little kick in the pants that the right cup can deliver. I came mighty close to stopping off and getting a cup of decaf just to fulfill my craving for the taste. However, knowing that there is a bit of caffeine even in decaf, I passed. I now have a little insight into the daily struggle of an addict. WOW.

Many people were curious about how I was doing coffeeless. I'm not sure that I have a grand conclusion. The first week was very bad and required naps. Three weeks later, I wasn't dying but I definitely still could have benefited from an afternoon siesta. Basically, I'm back to where I started with coffee. This leaves me wondering, am I not getting enough sleep at night? Is it poor sleep? Or am I simply a person who needs a late afternoon snooze and should perhaps take advantage of my awesome current work hours which allow for that?

Or do I allow myself a cup of coffee or caffeinated tea after lunch and power through the rest of the day like I normally do? I actually got to talking casually with a doctor about my cleanse and when I told him about my normal coffee intake, he scoffed. "That's not bad at all," he said. He didn't seem to believe that I could really have a major crash from a cup or two a day. Of course, this is exactly what I wanted to hear.

So here's what I've decided. After being off the bean for three weeks, the bit of caffeine in decaf could actually affect me. Plus, this would allow me to have my happy coffee drinking morning time. (See how I did that?) Problem solved? We'll see. I had a baby sized decaf this morning and must admit, I feel pretty good right now.

Getting through coffee withdrawal without killing anyone = victory #2.

It has been very interesting talking to other people about this cleanse and what their biggest challenges would be if they did the same. For some, the idea of giving up bread and butter just about sent them through the roof. For others, it's cheese and all things dairy. Then there were many like me, the ain't nothing getting between me and my ice cream cone types. But there wasn't one single person who didn't admit to some level of caffeine addiction. Hmmm.

Several people assumed I'd cheat somewhere along the way. For example, I ended up going out more than I had anticipated and alcohol was available every time. And as much as I adore a glass of red wine here and there, I did not succumb. Amazing how much money can be saved when you find yourself drinking cranberry spritzers at the bar instead! And as much as I enjoy a cocktail or a beer once in a while, it often does make me feel (and look) crappy the next day. It truly felt good to detox from the stuff.

The only time I cheated at all was when I had orange juice (not hand squeezed and probably saturated with sugar, God forbid!) at a bar while my friends enjoyed bottles of delicious Spotted Cow. I also got crazy and had a few sticks of gum along the way. It was hard to ingest all those oniony & garlicky recipes and not do something about that. Plus, who am I kidding? Gum also helped curb the sweet tooth.

Speaking of the sweet tooth, as proud as I am to have decreased my intake of sweets, I really thought by this point, my craving for them would have plummeted. Really not the case. I still crave chocolate, cookies, and all those other goodies. I'm also afraid to even open that can of worms since eating those kinds of things just make the cravings worse. Possible solution? Only allow dessert after dinner when I'm heading to bed soon after. Again, we shall see.

So now let me tell you about some of the non-food challenges of this cleanse. I never thought I'd say it but I've really missed going to the gym. Due to the decrease in calories, they recommended only light stretches and a bit of yoga. On the contrary, I love a good power yoga session and I definitely want to work up a sweat a few days a week at the gym. I'm excited to give it my all again.

I missed baking! Hence, my chocolate chip cookie making the other night. Who doesn't love a warm cookie now and then? And is that so bad? Of course not, if you can really keep it down to just one or two.

I will not miss flossing my teeth eight times a day. You think this is an exaggeration but I assure you, it is not. With all of the berries, dried fruit, nuts, spinach salads, and kale soups I ingested, I had to start carrying floss in my pocket. I considered buying stock in Oral B.

I also missed the ease of packing a can of soup for lunch on those frantic Monday mornings. Blending smoothies and trying to pack a salad with nuts and seeds and dressings on the side made things much more hectic. On the flipside, I enjoyed so many of the recipes listed. I've learned that although I will forgo carrot juice anything in my life, I will definitely be adding the Salmon with Orange-Avocado Salsa to my inventory as well as this great salad. And even though I ate 60-70 of these guys in the past three weeks (for real, they were my candy), I'll continue to nosh on them. It's always fun to get some new recipe ideas and what a bonus when they are healthy to boot.

So today I have embarked on Day 1 of freedom. My loosey goosey "craziness" has involved that tiny decaf coffee, yogurt with a bit of Kashi cereal, a cup of veggie chili, a coconut date bite, and I kid you not, a vegan "Carob Joy Chunk of Energy" from my local hippie-dippy (gotta love 'em) co-op.

One might think I am not straying too far from the cleanse. Well, rest assured that tomorrow, I will be heading out for a dinner that will hopefully include gluten, dairy, red wine, and a bit of chocolate. But I'm quite certain that this won't be every night, especially after a colleague told me that I had "willpower of steel" which was ridiculously hilarious to me at the time. But actually, her comment was inspiring. Maybe I'm not as weak as I've always considered myself to be. I went into this cleanse, not at all believing I could actually complete it. And I did it. (I also had some pretty great cheerleaders along the way. You know who you are. Thank you.) I also learned a few really valuable things about what my body needs and what it doesn't. And finally, I remembered how much I enjoy tasting rich, interesting flavors and how I love to share that experience at a dinner table with friends. For those reasons, I will not be one to completely eliminate anything from my diet. (Well, except for olives. Never had use for those olives.)

Yet, surprisingly, as much as I've been talking up having a bit fat pizza dinner, I'm not craving it at all in this moment. Instead, I'm sipping green ginger tea and still feeling quite satiated from my soup lunch. Success?

But I did buy some Spanish cheese the other day that is just sitting in my fridge, waiting to be unwrapped and devoured. Could go really well with that fresh bread a friend gave me. Give me a few hours. We'll see how the night (and that cheese) unfolds.

Good Job, Ad Execs!

This pretty much sums up my life the past few weeks (albeit in a wayyyy cooler way). Except, umm, for the butter part. Yeah, really looking forward to that butter again, no matter how light it may be.

Apparently, the Universe Likes to Torture Me

Did I really just a Groupon for coffee? Really? Do I need this, universe? As if I don't smell coffee everywhere I go. As if every time I open my cupboard door and get a whiff of the ground stuff, I don't practically weep. As if I didn't almost stop and buy a piping hot cup of decaf today just for the velvety taste on my tongue.

Oh dear. I'm in trouble...

Day 13!

I'm still alive. I'm almost two weeks into this cleanse and I haven't gone insane with desire yet. This is good and quite surprising news. (However, I'm beginning to believe in some sort of olfactory hallucination. Can I really be smelling coffee everywhere I go??)

Last week, I wrote about my caffeine withdrawal and how I was frequently taking two-hour long afternoon naps. Yeah, I was a little lucky there. I don't know what I would have done, if I was working a 9-5 job. Probably would have pulled a George Costanza with a little under-the-desk snooze. Although I never did end up with a headache, I do believe that my colleagues may have sensed the teensiest bit of irritability from me. (Sorry about that, guys.)

I subsisted on fruits, vegetables, nuts, and oils. That was it. I had a consistent low level of hunger which helped me realize that normally, I may snack when I am stressed or bored, not because I'm actually hungry. I lost four pounds in one week.

My lack of refined sugar didn't make me crazy. If I felt a sugar craving come on, I reached for fruit (fresh or dried) and that got me through. I drank a ridiculous amount of tea, in hopes of it curbing both my coffee addiction and my sweet tooth. I cannot say that this strategy really worked but I'm happy to report that I never did break down and hit the coffee shop or ingest any goodies even though my office is a non-stop pipeline of cookies, muffins, and chocolate.

Week Two: Like a kid on Christmas Eve, I turned giddy when reading the recipes for the second week. In addition to all of the fruits and vegetables, the proteins were being stepped up. Beans? Lentils? Salmon? Something other than nuts and seeds? Woot, woot! However, when I sat down to eat a bowl of lentil soup, I could barely finish it. The stomach does indeed shrink and I must admit that it has been feeling good to be so easily satiated.

I went to bars three times this week to meet up with friends and kept my promise not to drink any alcohol, no matter what delicious sounding Hot Toddy-esque item was on the menu. Amazing how much money one saves when sipping fizzy soda water all night instead.

Naps: I don't think I've taken one all week. This is not say I haven't been tired. I've just been incredibly busy. Work, class, social events, and have I mentioned the enormous amount of time I've spent reading recipes, writing grocery lists, shopping, chopping & prepping, cooking, and packing up all of my little containers for work? It's definitely been worth it but one must put aside a significant amount of time to get the job done. Luckily, I did plan for this and made the time.

Also not so fun? Making dinner plans with friends. "Well, what can you eat, Rachael?" is a phrase that has made me feel a bit like a dolt. However, I am reminded of all of my friends with serious food allergies and find myself feeling sympathetic for them all over again.

I'm a little bummed that I'm still feeling tired but this could be attributed to various things, not just the lack of coffee. I go to work early, I had a lot on my calendar this week, and I'm not really exercising. Yeah, that's another bummer. One can't really maintain a fairly strenuous exercise routine when lowering one's daily calorie intake like this. Who knew that I would miss the gym so much? But yoga is still in the picture and this girl sure does love her yoga.

So tonight will be another test. I am soon off to an event which will not only be serving delicious cocktails but is also being catered by a wonderful crew in town. Can I refrain from nibbling on delicious little hor's d'oeuvres? I will make sure to have my broiled salmon with avocado/orange salsa for dinner before I head out. Then tomorrow, I will shop and prepare for my final week.

Although I'd like to think I could stick to some form of this diet for the long-term, I've already gotten "pizza" written on my calendar for February 6th. Pizza and coffee. And perhaps some sort of chocolate cake. Eek, back to the salmon and my tea...

Here's to health! (Did you hear the clink of my mug?)

Oh Dear God, It's That Time Again...

So every December, I tell myself that I'm not going to go bananas over the holidays. I reassure myself that chocolate fudge and popcorn balls are not going extinct and that I therefore, need not inhale every sweet thing in my line of vision from Christmas Eve through New Year's Day. Of course, this mental preparation can never trump the litany of yummy things before me throughout that trying week of apple cider, taco dip, and peanut butter balls. (Yes, that's how we roll in my family.) I'd like to blame my lack of willpower on family peer pressure (one relative did try to rationalize that the peanut cluster is "sort of healthy 'cuz you know, there are nuts!") but that's just silly. I'm a grown-up. I could forgo the dessert plate for the veggie platter but...is that caramel corn I see?

The situation was compounded when I went to NYC after New Year's. Getting together with old friends of course always took place over lunch or dinner. And there may have been a few cocktails here and there. Bottom line...I was not feeling so good come January 9th when I returned from winter break. Rather, I felt pretty darn toxic.

You may recall that I've done a few mini cleanses throughout the past couple of years. These haven't been crazy lemon juice fasts. They've simply involved removing the bad stuff and replacing it with super healthy eating. Brown rice, veggies, fruits, nuts, lean proteins, that sort of thing. However, I've known for quite some time that my caffeine and sugar intake has become a problem, a problem that might need a stronger approach. A few weeks ago, I realized I was scooping double my usual amount of coffee into the brewer. Oh my God, I thought, I'm really like some junkie who has to up the amount of the drug not to get high but just to maintain.

Then there's the sugar dilemma, the dilemma being that I pretty much crave it constantly. I used to be satiated by a bit of chocolate but lately it just sends me into a scavenger hunt of all things sweet that may be lurking in the pantry. It is not good when you find yourself concocting something ridiculous with a jar of peanut butter, some Cheerios, and a bag of Craisins.

So I was ready for a bigger deal cleanse. Therefore, I was thrilled (and terrified) of Whole Living's January issue. They outlined a three week cleanse. I had never done anything beyond five days because by night five, I was usually at the tearing-open-a-package-of-cookies stage.

Yet, I thought about the three week challenge for several weeks. Could I really do this? No wheat or gluten, no dairy, no caffeine, no alcohol, no refined sugar? Would I go crazy? Would I drive others crazy with my undoubtable irritability? Would I stab someone who might be walking by with a chocolate chip cookie or a plate of lasagna? These were all things I needed to consider.

But in the end, I decided that yes, it was worth it. I was curious enough to find out how my body would feel with some of these "toxic" items removed from my diet. I told my close friends and family that going out for drinks or dinner wasn't going to happen during the next few weeks. (But hey, hit me up if you want some non-caffeinated tea!) I also had to figure out how to scale back my exercise routine considering the initial drastic decrease in calories. And finally, I had to decide how to build in some good ole' "me" time which would be used for relaxing, journaling, and more than anything, as I have quickly found out, napping.

So here I am on Day Four. I would have written about it sooner but there have been those naps, you know. Several friends have inquired about my status (probably worried that I'm locked in a closet, mumbling to myself) and I've been happy to report that I'm doing okay. Not fantastic but not terrible. I am proud of "okay". This means that I'm not jonesing for an ice cream sundae, nor am I dying for a baguette. Don't get me wrong, I am craving certain things but I seem to be on auto pilot which allows me to simply look at things as "I can have that" or "I cannot have that" and that's sort of the end of the story. This is quite surprising considering that I typically cannot swallow the final bite of a meal without immediately considering my dessert options. Perhaps it's due to the fruit that I am allowed on this cleanse that is giving me just enough sugar to not make me weep while passing the bakery counter.

More than anything, what has hit me hardest thus far is the caffeine withdrawal. Shockingly, I haven't had any major headaches like I usually do when I try to abstain. Not shockingly, I'm just soooo darn tired. And when it's -4 degrees outside, you sort of crave warm, teeth staining goodness in the morning. Tea will never give me the happy feelings that coffee does. Tea just makes me want to curl back into bed and go to sleep. But due to those minus temperatures, there's a lot of tea drinking going on around here. And if you haven't noticed, a lot of sleeping, too.

Of course, I'm also tired due to the low amount of calories I'm ingesting. This week is about veggies, fruits, and proteins in the form of nuts and oils. That's about it. I looked ahead to next week's recipes and when I saw beans and lentils listed, I almost went out of my mind with irrepressible joy. Salads and non-cream based soups get pretty darn boring fast.

But alas, I'm plowing ahead. So many people around me have been curious about how I feel. Most agree that they should take a bit of time to rethink their own diets. Interested in embarking with me? Check it out. I won't even shame you if you dip into the cookie jar once in a while.. Baby steps, friends, baby steps...

Well, Hello 2012....

So last night, I bid goodbye to 2011 and welcomed 2012 with a positive attitude alongside a mug of mulled wein. Luckily, none of my fellow revelers believed in new year's resolutions so instead, we talked about what makes us hopeful about the new year. I realized I needed to reflect a bit on the past year to know what makes me hopeful for the next.

Last year was by no means a happy-go-lucky year for me. There was stress and craziness indeed. However, in addition to that chaos, there was also so such for me to be grateful for. More than anything, I am grateful to be finally making some headway in regards to that whole "stay in the moment" mantra. Goals and resolutions are good in some ways but they can so easily sabotage us into being completely dissatisfied with our current state, no matter what loveliness may lie beneath.

When I have a deadline to meet (which is ultimately contributing to my goal of having a certain amount of money in the bank) and Baxter the Cat is rubbing his cheek so hard against my laptop that I actually cannot work, I can get mighty frustrated with my little puffball friend. However, in recent months, I've made the realization that Bax is getting old and that I really must allow myself to enjoy his sweet little cat presence more. And quite honestly, considering that it's scientific proof that petting a cat lowers one's blood pressure (and for me, just makes me plain happy), it's probably worth losing a few dollars.

So yes, it's all about the small things for me this year. No doubt it was an amazing year politically. There's a reason Time magazine listed The Protester as the "Person of the Year". If it wasn't the Middle East, it was Wall Street or my backyard in Wisconsin. Even though these movements were inspiring, I wouldn't exactly call them heartwarming. They definitely didn't lower my blood pressure.

So I took stock of some of the things that did warm my heart this year, big and small. It's amazing how much came to me. I think that's a good sign for 2012, no?

First off, 2011 started off with a bang. I made the decision to pick up and move to a new city again. However, this time, my heart told me that this move was it for me and every day since then has reinforced this idea. I've made wonderful new friends, live near family, and feel inspired by the progressive nature of those around me every single day.

Later in the year, I lost my grandmother, my last remaining grandparent. Although her death was expected, it was still a huge blow to the family. What surprised me, however, was the celebration that came with her passing. Extended family that I hadn't seen in years came together to share their memories of her. The ongoing theme was her heart of gold, her relentless positive outlook on life, and her ongoing belief that all people deserved to be treated with dignity and kindness. These qualities continue to inspire me to be the best person I can be.

I've also learned to take time to celebrate time with all of my loved ones. My niece's giggle is golden and her hugs continue to make me melt. I've cherished kind letters from friends and in return, have made a concerted effort to let know others the warmth I feel toward them. I am honored to be celebrating a dear friend's pregnancy while comforting another who is losing her job in this tough economy. I am reminded how much we all need one another.

I've allowed myself to take time to enjoy art in any form whether it's an amazing photo or gorgeous lyrics that make me cry. I've gleefully expanded my music collection this year to include the stunning new Bon Iver album that I (and apparently a whole lot of other people) honestly cannot listen to enough. On the lighter side of things, I made numerous copies of The Green Album for those born in the 70s who will appreciate it the way I do. Of course, True Blood continues to release kick ass soundtracks and the last one rivals the first in awesomeness. (I dare you to listen to this track and not get up and shimmy about the room.) And speaking of dancing, as creepy as the lyrics are, this was one of the catchiest tunes of the year and quickly became my summer anthem.

Books. Well, I'm a slow reader so I haven't gotten too far there. Plus, the damn internet hijacks any of my ventures into anything that spans more than 1,000 words. On the flip side, I've read some pretty hilarious stuff this year in the form of short articles or blog posts. I was introduced to The Bloggess whose stuff I now read regularly because the woman makes me almost pee my pants on a regular basis. Any time I need an instant pick-up, I read her post about Beyonce the Chicken. I encourage you to do the same.

Want more quick links to an instant warmed heart? Check out this story about those scientists in China who dress up as pandas to best serve their charges. Want to actually squeal out loud? Then watch these video clips and listen to this tiny polar bear's cute little baby bear noises. You may just decide you need to buy a ticket to Denmark after that trip to China.

Movies? Well, I've barely seen any this year but Beginners was hands down my number one pick. You laugh, you cry, you stare at Ewan McGregor's perfect face, but mostly, you, too, just might be inspired to try to break old, destructive patterns. Gorgeous and absolutely galvanizing for the new year.

So what am I hopeful for in 2012? Quite honestly, a whole lot of the same. Staying in the moment, continuing to be grateful for those I love, the work I have during such difficult economic times, and all the small, goofy things in between that make me laugh out loud and give me faith in people.

And did I mention it's the Year of the Dragon? 2012, you may just become my favorite year yet. I hope it's yours, too. Happy New Year.