Apparently, the Universe Likes to Torture Me

Did I really just a Groupon for coffee? Really? Do I need this, universe? As if I don't smell coffee everywhere I go. As if every time I open my cupboard door and get a whiff of the ground stuff, I don't practically weep. As if I didn't almost stop and buy a piping hot cup of decaf today just for the velvety taste on my tongue.

Oh dear. I'm in trouble...

Day 13!

I'm still alive. I'm almost two weeks into this cleanse and I haven't gone insane with desire yet. This is good and quite surprising news. (However, I'm beginning to believe in some sort of olfactory hallucination. Can I really be smelling coffee everywhere I go??)

Last week, I wrote about my caffeine withdrawal and how I was frequently taking two-hour long afternoon naps. Yeah, I was a little lucky there. I don't know what I would have done, if I was working a 9-5 job. Probably would have pulled a George Costanza with a little under-the-desk snooze. Although I never did end up with a headache, I do believe that my colleagues may have sensed the teensiest bit of irritability from me. (Sorry about that, guys.)

I subsisted on fruits, vegetables, nuts, and oils. That was it. I had a consistent low level of hunger which helped me realize that normally, I may snack when I am stressed or bored, not because I'm actually hungry. I lost four pounds in one week.

My lack of refined sugar didn't make me crazy. If I felt a sugar craving come on, I reached for fruit (fresh or dried) and that got me through. I drank a ridiculous amount of tea, in hopes of it curbing both my coffee addiction and my sweet tooth. I cannot say that this strategy really worked but I'm happy to report that I never did break down and hit the coffee shop or ingest any goodies even though my office is a non-stop pipeline of cookies, muffins, and chocolate.

Week Two: Like a kid on Christmas Eve, I turned giddy when reading the recipes for the second week. In addition to all of the fruits and vegetables, the proteins were being stepped up. Beans? Lentils? Salmon? Something other than nuts and seeds? Woot, woot! However, when I sat down to eat a bowl of lentil soup, I could barely finish it. The stomach does indeed shrink and I must admit that it has been feeling good to be so easily satiated.

I went to bars three times this week to meet up with friends and kept my promise not to drink any alcohol, no matter what delicious sounding Hot Toddy-esque item was on the menu. Amazing how much money one saves when sipping fizzy soda water all night instead.

Naps: I don't think I've taken one all week. This is not say I haven't been tired. I've just been incredibly busy. Work, class, social events, and have I mentioned the enormous amount of time I've spent reading recipes, writing grocery lists, shopping, chopping & prepping, cooking, and packing up all of my little containers for work? It's definitely been worth it but one must put aside a significant amount of time to get the job done. Luckily, I did plan for this and made the time.

Also not so fun? Making dinner plans with friends. "Well, what can you eat, Rachael?" is a phrase that has made me feel a bit like a dolt. However, I am reminded of all of my friends with serious food allergies and find myself feeling sympathetic for them all over again.

I'm a little bummed that I'm still feeling tired but this could be attributed to various things, not just the lack of coffee. I go to work early, I had a lot on my calendar this week, and I'm not really exercising. Yeah, that's another bummer. One can't really maintain a fairly strenuous exercise routine when lowering one's daily calorie intake like this. Who knew that I would miss the gym so much? But yoga is still in the picture and this girl sure does love her yoga.

So tonight will be another test. I am soon off to an event which will not only be serving delicious cocktails but is also being catered by a wonderful crew in town. Can I refrain from nibbling on delicious little hor's d'oeuvres? I will make sure to have my broiled salmon with avocado/orange salsa for dinner before I head out. Then tomorrow, I will shop and prepare for my final week.

Although I'd like to think I could stick to some form of this diet for the long-term, I've already gotten "pizza" written on my calendar for February 6th. Pizza and coffee. And perhaps some sort of chocolate cake. Eek, back to the salmon and my tea...

Here's to health! (Did you hear the clink of my mug?)

Oh Dear God, It's That Time Again...

So every December, I tell myself that I'm not going to go bananas over the holidays. I reassure myself that chocolate fudge and popcorn balls are not going extinct and that I therefore, need not inhale every sweet thing in my line of vision from Christmas Eve through New Year's Day. Of course, this mental preparation can never trump the litany of yummy things before me throughout that trying week of apple cider, taco dip, and peanut butter balls. (Yes, that's how we roll in my family.) I'd like to blame my lack of willpower on family peer pressure (one relative did try to rationalize that the peanut cluster is "sort of healthy 'cuz you know, there are nuts!") but that's just silly. I'm a grown-up. I could forgo the dessert plate for the veggie platter but...is that caramel corn I see?

The situation was compounded when I went to NYC after New Year's. Getting together with old friends of course always took place over lunch or dinner. And there may have been a few cocktails here and there. Bottom line...I was not feeling so good come January 9th when I returned from winter break. Rather, I felt pretty darn toxic.

You may recall that I've done a few mini cleanses throughout the past couple of years. These haven't been crazy lemon juice fasts. They've simply involved removing the bad stuff and replacing it with super healthy eating. Brown rice, veggies, fruits, nuts, lean proteins, that sort of thing. However, I've known for quite some time that my caffeine and sugar intake has become a problem, a problem that might need a stronger approach. A few weeks ago, I realized I was scooping double my usual amount of coffee into the brewer. Oh my God, I thought, I'm really like some junkie who has to up the amount of the drug not to get high but just to maintain.

Then there's the sugar dilemma, the dilemma being that I pretty much crave it constantly. I used to be satiated by a bit of chocolate but lately it just sends me into a scavenger hunt of all things sweet that may be lurking in the pantry. It is not good when you find yourself concocting something ridiculous with a jar of peanut butter, some Cheerios, and a bag of Craisins.

So I was ready for a bigger deal cleanse. Therefore, I was thrilled (and terrified) of Whole Living's January issue. They outlined a three week cleanse. I had never done anything beyond five days because by night five, I was usually at the tearing-open-a-package-of-cookies stage.

Yet, I thought about the three week challenge for several weeks. Could I really do this? No wheat or gluten, no dairy, no caffeine, no alcohol, no refined sugar? Would I go crazy? Would I drive others crazy with my undoubtable irritability? Would I stab someone who might be walking by with a chocolate chip cookie or a plate of lasagna? These were all things I needed to consider.

But in the end, I decided that yes, it was worth it. I was curious enough to find out how my body would feel with some of these "toxic" items removed from my diet. I told my close friends and family that going out for drinks or dinner wasn't going to happen during the next few weeks. (But hey, hit me up if you want some non-caffeinated tea!) I also had to figure out how to scale back my exercise routine considering the initial drastic decrease in calories. And finally, I had to decide how to build in some good ole' "me" time which would be used for relaxing, journaling, and more than anything, as I have quickly found out, napping.

So here I am on Day Four. I would have written about it sooner but there have been those naps, you know. Several friends have inquired about my status (probably worried that I'm locked in a closet, mumbling to myself) and I've been happy to report that I'm doing okay. Not fantastic but not terrible. I am proud of "okay". This means that I'm not jonesing for an ice cream sundae, nor am I dying for a baguette. Don't get me wrong, I am craving certain things but I seem to be on auto pilot which allows me to simply look at things as "I can have that" or "I cannot have that" and that's sort of the end of the story. This is quite surprising considering that I typically cannot swallow the final bite of a meal without immediately considering my dessert options. Perhaps it's due to the fruit that I am allowed on this cleanse that is giving me just enough sugar to not make me weep while passing the bakery counter.

More than anything, what has hit me hardest thus far is the caffeine withdrawal. Shockingly, I haven't had any major headaches like I usually do when I try to abstain. Not shockingly, I'm just soooo darn tired. And when it's -4 degrees outside, you sort of crave warm, teeth staining goodness in the morning. Tea will never give me the happy feelings that coffee does. Tea just makes me want to curl back into bed and go to sleep. But due to those minus temperatures, there's a lot of tea drinking going on around here. And if you haven't noticed, a lot of sleeping, too.

Of course, I'm also tired due to the low amount of calories I'm ingesting. This week is about veggies, fruits, and proteins in the form of nuts and oils. That's about it. I looked ahead to next week's recipes and when I saw beans and lentils listed, I almost went out of my mind with irrepressible joy. Salads and non-cream based soups get pretty darn boring fast.

But alas, I'm plowing ahead. So many people around me have been curious about how I feel. Most agree that they should take a bit of time to rethink their own diets. Interested in embarking with me? Check it out. I won't even shame you if you dip into the cookie jar once in a while.. Baby steps, friends, baby steps...

Well, Hello 2012....

So last night, I bid goodbye to 2011 and welcomed 2012 with a positive attitude alongside a mug of mulled wein. Luckily, none of my fellow revelers believed in new year's resolutions so instead, we talked about what makes us hopeful about the new year. I realized I needed to reflect a bit on the past year to know what makes me hopeful for the next.

Last year was by no means a happy-go-lucky year for me. There was stress and craziness indeed. However, in addition to that chaos, there was also so such for me to be grateful for. More than anything, I am grateful to be finally making some headway in regards to that whole "stay in the moment" mantra. Goals and resolutions are good in some ways but they can so easily sabotage us into being completely dissatisfied with our current state, no matter what loveliness may lie beneath.

When I have a deadline to meet (which is ultimately contributing to my goal of having a certain amount of money in the bank) and Baxter the Cat is rubbing his cheek so hard against my laptop that I actually cannot work, I can get mighty frustrated with my little puffball friend. However, in recent months, I've made the realization that Bax is getting old and that I really must allow myself to enjoy his sweet little cat presence more. And quite honestly, considering that it's scientific proof that petting a cat lowers one's blood pressure (and for me, just makes me plain happy), it's probably worth losing a few dollars.

So yes, it's all about the small things for me this year. No doubt it was an amazing year politically. There's a reason Time magazine listed The Protester as the "Person of the Year". If it wasn't the Middle East, it was Wall Street or my backyard in Wisconsin. Even though these movements were inspiring, I wouldn't exactly call them heartwarming. They definitely didn't lower my blood pressure.

So I took stock of some of the things that did warm my heart this year, big and small. It's amazing how much came to me. I think that's a good sign for 2012, no?

First off, 2011 started off with a bang. I made the decision to pick up and move to a new city again. However, this time, my heart told me that this move was it for me and every day since then has reinforced this idea. I've made wonderful new friends, live near family, and feel inspired by the progressive nature of those around me every single day.

Later in the year, I lost my grandmother, my last remaining grandparent. Although her death was expected, it was still a huge blow to the family. What surprised me, however, was the celebration that came with her passing. Extended family that I hadn't seen in years came together to share their memories of her. The ongoing theme was her heart of gold, her relentless positive outlook on life, and her ongoing belief that all people deserved to be treated with dignity and kindness. These qualities continue to inspire me to be the best person I can be.

I've also learned to take time to celebrate time with all of my loved ones. My niece's giggle is golden and her hugs continue to make me melt. I've cherished kind letters from friends and in return, have made a concerted effort to let know others the warmth I feel toward them. I am honored to be celebrating a dear friend's pregnancy while comforting another who is losing her job in this tough economy. I am reminded how much we all need one another.

I've allowed myself to take time to enjoy art in any form whether it's an amazing photo or gorgeous lyrics that make me cry. I've gleefully expanded my music collection this year to include the stunning new Bon Iver album that I (and apparently a whole lot of other people) honestly cannot listen to enough. On the lighter side of things, I made numerous copies of The Green Album for those born in the 70s who will appreciate it the way I do. Of course, True Blood continues to release kick ass soundtracks and the last one rivals the first in awesomeness. (I dare you to listen to this track and not get up and shimmy about the room.) And speaking of dancing, as creepy as the lyrics are, this was one of the catchiest tunes of the year and quickly became my summer anthem.

Books. Well, I'm a slow reader so I haven't gotten too far there. Plus, the damn internet hijacks any of my ventures into anything that spans more than 1,000 words. On the flip side, I've read some pretty hilarious stuff this year in the form of short articles or blog posts. I was introduced to The Bloggess whose stuff I now read regularly because the woman makes me almost pee my pants on a regular basis. Any time I need an instant pick-up, I read her post about Beyonce the Chicken. I encourage you to do the same.

Want more quick links to an instant warmed heart? Check out this story about those scientists in China who dress up as pandas to best serve their charges. Want to actually squeal out loud? Then watch these video clips and listen to this tiny polar bear's cute little baby bear noises. You may just decide you need to buy a ticket to Denmark after that trip to China.

Movies? Well, I've barely seen any this year but Beginners was hands down my number one pick. You laugh, you cry, you stare at Ewan McGregor's perfect face, but mostly, you, too, just might be inspired to try to break old, destructive patterns. Gorgeous and absolutely galvanizing for the new year.

So what am I hopeful for in 2012? Quite honestly, a whole lot of the same. Staying in the moment, continuing to be grateful for those I love, the work I have during such difficult economic times, and all the small, goofy things in between that make me laugh out loud and give me faith in people.

And did I mention it's the Year of the Dragon? 2012, you may just become my favorite year yet. I hope it's yours, too. Happy New Year.